In the recent weeks following the release of the much anticipated “50 Shades of Grey”, discussions on the nature of BDSM have sprung up left, right and center with the many asking for a clear definition of the practice.
While we do not claim to be experts, some research does yield results. So here is a simple guide.
In the most basic form BDSM (Bondage & Discipline/Dominance & Submission/ Sado-Masochism) is all about the erotic and sexual acts and mind-sets of dominating and relinquishing control.
In the past, sadomasochistic activities and fantasies were regarded by most psychiatrists as extreme, but have been regarded as increasingly acceptable since at least the 1990s.
According to sofeminine.co.uk, over the years BDSM has got a pretty bad reputation and the standard media representation of BDSM is something seedy, silly and offensive.
The trick is to have an open mind to sexuality, erotic preferences and fantasies that lead to sexual arousal and which vary from individual to another, while keeping in mind that anything that causes harm to your partner or yourself is obviously not good, to say the least, not to mention illegal.
BDSM practices require power exchange between a Dominant and a Submissive. A Sub is the party that submits their own free will to the Dom, who will take responsibility for their decisions and pleasure. Some practitioners of BDSM enjoy switching roles, whether during a single scene or taking on different roles on different occasions.
However, some BDSM activities may somehow be dangerous if proper precautions were ignored. One aspect to make sure safety is guaranteed is to agree upon a safeword.
If the Dominant and Submissive are in a scene that causes unacceptable discomfort to one or both, a safe word can be uttered to warn the Dominant of trouble and immediately call for a stop to the act. Details below.
But first let’s dismiss the myths surrounding the practice.
Myth 1: All Dominants are Abusive. FICTION!
The partner who plays the role of ”dominant” actually cares deeply for the physical, mental and emotional well-being of his “submissive.” He/she would never do anything dangerous to his/her partner and their behavior is limited at all times strictly by what the Sub finds enjoyable.
“Safe words” are well rehearsed before the fun even starts, so a Submissive can tell her partner to stop at any time. “Red”, “yellow” and “green” are often used. Red means exactly what you think: “stop right now because I’m not enjoying what you’re doing (or it’s just too intense, etc.).” Yellow means “I’m O.K. with what you’re doing for the moment, but I might not want you to continue.” Green means: “I really, really like that, keep it up!”
Myth 2: the Dominant is in Control. FICTION!
A dominant’s job is to fulfill the Submissive’s needs — which are what bring the dominant pleasure. Every good Dominant knows that the Submissive is really the partner in control, members of the BDSM community boast. “All a submissive man or woman has to do is relax and enjoy the ride while delicious sexual acts are visited upon them.
Myth 3: Dominants had abusive childhoods. FICTION!
Christian Grey is portrayed as a Dom because he had an abusive childhood. Childhood trauma as a valid psychological premise for practicing domination is just not accurate.
Myth 4: Submissives are weak and have low self-esteem. FICTION!
The opposite is true of a submissive. They give up control because they are strong enough to choose to do so. Only a strong individual with emotional fortitude can agree to let go and entrust herself to the care and protection of an honorable DOM partner… a partner who totally understands and appreciates the value of the gift of trust that they’re being given.
Myth 5: If you enjoy BDSM your brain isn’t wired correctly. FICTION.
This is a very common myth. Most dominants will tell you that their Submissives (often referred to as “clients”) could not be more normal. They were not abused as children, and most are college educated. In general, they are drug-free, confident, secure and mentally stable, and tend to be in positions of considerable power and control in their everyday lives. You can be happily in love in a healthy relationship – and still love BDSM.
Myth 5: BDSM is primarily about pain. FICTION!
BDSM is not primarily about pain. It is a power exchange between a Dominant and a Submissive, which does not necessarily involve pain, humiliation or anything else you are uncomfortable with. The reason mild pain is a popular ingredient in BDSM is because the slightest amount gets the adrenaline pumping through the veins… and suddenly the receiver experiences every sensation much more intensely… including pleasure.
Does that mean the dominant needs to inflict even mild pain? Absolutely not!
It is important to note that not all BDSM enthusiasts know what they are doing. Should you choose to partake in the practice, be sure to do it with someone you trust and feel safe with. This is especially important since marital rape is still legal in Lebanon and the country has yet to ratify a law to protect women from domestic violence. Consult a sex therapist or your trusted doctor should you have further questions, and as always practice safe and conscious sex.